Guilty Pleasure: Checking My Credit

I was blessed to work as a Loan Officer at an incredible financial institution in my early 20's. It was eye-opening—and depressing—to see how many people came to me to request a car loan, only to be denied because of a slew of collections from places like Blockbuster and Papa John’s Pizza (who knew you could be sent to collections for a Large Pepperoni?!).

I came away from that job armed with some serious knowledge about how to use—and not abuse—my credit. I am the first to admit that I am not the poster child for living a debt-free life (I blame Nordstrom). However, my credit score has hovered just below 800 since I was 20 years old, and I am damn proud of that fact, as are the many lenders who continually try to get entice me with lower interest rates and shiny new car loans…

I am continually surprised at how little people know about their credit, so I’ve decided to put together a series of posts to help you take the first steps towards credit health.

Part I: How to Check Your Credit (for FREE)
Thanks to the U.S. Government, you have the right to pull your own credit report every year. For FREE. What most people don’t realize is that this holds true for each credit agency. That means if you schedule this right (by following two simple steps below), you can actually pull your credit report three times/year for free.

1. Visit this website to pull your report: https://www.annualcreditreport.com
2. Set a calendar reminder every four months, alternating each of the 3 credit agencies.

Example:

• January ’12 – pull Equifax
• April ‘12 – pull Experian
• August ’12 – pull TransUnion
• January ’13 – pull Equifax…
• April ‘13 – pull Experian…
• August ’13 – pull TransUnion… 

This way, you’re getting your free annual credit report every 1 year (but because you’re alternating agencies, you’re able to check your credit for free every 4 months)!

Tips:

• Although FreeCreditScore.com has catchy commercial jingles, they actually CHARGE you to check your credit (go figure). Only use the site above, as it is sponsored by the Federal Trade Commission.
• Do NOT sign up for credit monitoring. This is a monthly fee that is an absolute waste of money, unless you have been the victim of identity theft. Save your $200/year and just follow the calendar I provided above to monitor your credit for free.
• The free credit reports you pull from Equifax, Experian and TransUnion don’t actually contain your FICO score. You have to take another step to actually get your credit score, and this is a paid service ($19.95). I do this step only once/year unless I see something on my report to make me wonder about my score, or if I have purchased a large item or opened a new line of credit recently.

More money, more resources:

• 5 Stupid Money Mistakes We Make In Our 20's
• I wish I had a friend this money-savvy when I was bringing in $1000/night working at a nightclub. I’d have a lot more to show for it 10 years later.
• Learnvest.com
• I love this site! It has completely transformed the way I look at my finances. Mint.com is another good one, but Learnvest is women-centric and incredibly user-friendly.
• 5 Red Tape Traps: Getting a credit score
• Good tips on how to avoid hidden fees and all the red tape that comes with credit checks.

Guilty Pleasure: Playing the Lottery

I know am I really late in posting this, but I was just so caught up in my day dreams of multi-millionaire grandeur that I couldn't pause to sit down and write. Last week, my office went in on a pool for the Mega Millions—which unless you were living under a rock—you know was the highest jackpot off all time at $640 MILLION dollars. 

Because I believe in “The Secret” was willing to do whatever it took to win that jackpot, I printed up these "winning checks" for my coworkers. We had these suckers taped up all around the office, acting as little cubicle totems that were guaranteed to help us strike it rich. 

Although we didn't win the grand prize, I did waste plenty of company time day dreaming about the extravagent ways I would spend that kind of money. So for your guilty pleasure, here is an abbreviated list of the things I would do with an extra $640 Million.

1. Pimp My Ride

So as some of you know, I used to drive a gorgeous Audi A4 that I LOOOOVED. Then my younger sister totaled it...while I was on my honeymoon. Now I drive my mom's used Suburu station wagon, complete with Washington license plates. My self esteem has taken a major hit as people on the roads now regularly assume that I am a soccer mom on her way to the Farmer's Market (or at the very least, some crunchy hippie who took a wrong turn somewhere around Portland).

Do I even need to warn you that there is an Asian behind the wheel?

 

2. Buy a Vacation Home

Since I already live in a beach paradise, I figured I could use a wintery retreat in the form of a ski chalet, and where better to buy one than Switzerland? This quaint gem would only set me back 4.9 million CHF, which in American dollars is like chump change. After a hard day of hitting the slopes, I would just curl up by the fire with a little fondue. Or maybe I could invite my tanned and toned ski instructor Jeurgen over for a bottle of Claret and a quick dip in the hot tub... Really, the possibilities are endless.

10 bedrooms: one for every estranged relative who will invite themselves skiing.

Didn't win the Lottery? Don't worry, you still have options...

Also known as a bathtub...

3. Fly First Class

Since I'll be flying back and forth to Europe all winter, I might as well fly first class. And what could be classier, not to mention super economical, than flying in your own plane? So I Googled "747 for Sale" and found this helpful ad:

Like Lasik eye surgery, an airplane is not something I want to buy "on the cheap." So I think I'll just call up this guy and have him fly me there instead:

But I'd swap his Captain's uniform for something from 'Saturday Night Fever'.

4. Buy a Race Horse

In San Diego, no holiday is bigger than Opening Day at the Del Mar Racetrack. Everyone gets dressed in their best seersucker, dons giant hats, then packs into a retrofitted school party bus and heads up north. By 5 p.m., the day has turned into a sloshy blur of overwatered mint juleps and misguided bets. Did I mention, this all takes place on a Wednesday?

How cool would it be, instead of betting on the horse with the prettiest mane (that's the hair on its neck, for you non-horse people) or the jockey with the coolest silks, you could tell your friends to bet on YOUR  RACEHORSE?!  

Girl on party bus to the racetrack: "My boyfriend and I just got the cutest Puggle! Want to see pictures?" 

You: "I just bought a batch of Secretariat's sperm for a cool half-million. Want to see pictures?" 

Secretariat...strong runner, and swimmer.

5. Adopt Exotic Pets

So technically #4 could fall under this category, but I am really thinking more along the lines of owning an entire menagerie of exotic animals. Like a zoo, but without those annoying things called "children" running amok all over the place. The first species I'd start collecting would be peacocks, then I'd move onto large cats, primates, then throw in an elephant or two.

Good news folks, you can start your collection today for under $100...

And I was supposed to get a high-paying job with my college degree. Life is full of disappointments.

 

6. Ask myself, "What would Jay-Z and Beyonce do?"

Verdict: If the mega rich are assholes, then I'm okay with being an asshole too.

Guilty: Invisible Children Co-Founder Takes March Madness Literally

It's been quite a whirlwind month for Invisible Children founder Jason Russell. One minute he's posting the hottest viral video of the moment (79 million hits, fuck me). The next, he's caught publicly masturbating on a sidewalk in San Diego. As flattered as I am that he thinks my fellow neighbors and I would enjoy a little pre-Patty's Day peep show, I am a little concerned for this guy. I mean, The Media reported that he was hospitalized due to severe "exhaustion, dehydration, and malnutrition." Maybe we should send him a Get Well bouquet? Or a case of Ethos water.



I always crack up at The Media's portrayal of celebrity hospitalizations. Lindsay Lohan in rehab again? Over-worked. Courtney Love seen looking disheveled and begging for change on Hollywood Boulevard? Vitamin D deficiency.

Come on now, NBC and the like, it is 2012. According to the Mayans, we have a very short time left on this Earth, so shouldn’t we cut the bullshit and start being real with each other?

Here is how I would have reported this incident if I was still writing for The Media (although come to think of it, maybe my penchant for explicit detail was the real reason I was canned)...

Verdict:  Viral videos are good for business. Unless your business is masturbating in public.

Guilty Pleasure: 'Tabatha Takes Over'

Today, I’m starting a new section of this blog devoted to ridiculous things that make me sinfully happy (although honestly, I should never publicly admit to some of these things unless strapped to a polygraph machine.) I’m calling these posts my Guilty Pleasures, and Tabatha Coffey wins the very first award for her show on Bravo, ‘Tabatha Takes Over.’

Ready, aim ... fire your ass.

Quick background on Tabatha: This sass-mouthed Aussie came to the attention of American audiences in ‘Shear Genius’, that lack-luster ‘Project Runway’ spinoff for hairdressers. Side note: If I wanted to watch people cut hair poorly, I’d just walk down to my neighborhood Super Cuts and pay $8 for the experience.

But wait! Isn’t this exactly what Tabatha does on this show? Okay, yes, there are an inordinate amount of episodes that center around Tabatha fixing up boughetto hair salons this season. But considering she got her start on the salon floor, it makes sense that Bravo keeps her somewhat in her natural element. (Although if I was on the receiving end of one of her perms-gone-wrong tongue-lashings, the easy accessibility to sharp scissors would make me more than a wee bit nervous.)

Tabatha is my personal hero because she does what I’ve always wanted to do…tell shitty customer service reps how bad they are at their jobs. I’ve worked in customer service my entire life, and it always drives me bat shit insane when people work in a job where they must come face-to-face with real live humans all day long, yet have zero idea how to treat them. Perfect example: think of the last time you spent an afternoon at the DMV.

Some regular escapades on the show include these memorable moments:

In a recent episode, a low-IQ salon assistant spends an entire shift gaping open-mouthed at customers like they are sea creatures who sprouted legs and walked in asking for a blowout.

"Tammy, your client is here."

At an ill-fated yogurt shop, Tabatha’s hidden cameras catch a kid digging around in her nose, then digging through the toppings bar.

Do we have to pay extra for those?

And the cherry on top? When one of these moronic small business owners actually admits — on camera — that she is $489,000 in debt. FOUR HUNDRED EIGHTY NINE THOUSAND AMERICAN DOLLARS. I'm not a math whiz, but it seems the time to cut and run from that business was about ... four hundred thousand dollars ago.

Some favorite quotes from the series so far:

• "The shampoo area looks like something from a prison camp." 
• "Who's going to come? The fairy who will bring you everything you need?" 
• "You're working on your client while you're calling your assistant and daughter retards." 
• "Don’t call me sweetheart. I am not your sweetheart, I am not your honey, I am not your boo. Call me Tabatha, thank you very much."

I am not sure what I did with my early evenings before I discovered this virtual bitch slap of ineffectual "businesspeople." I mean, I can only take so many episodes of ‘Real Housewives of [insert city no one wants to live in here]’ before I want to go chug a bottle of Dom/slash a limousine’s tires/murder a Pomeranian with alopecia.

VERDICT: Let this straight-shooting Amazon deliver a one-two punch of blunt to your DVR.

The Guilty Party: Girls Who Talk About Football

Dear Judgy,

I love football season! I own a jersey from my favorite team (in PINK, of course!), oh and I cut the bottom off to show off my flat midriff and belly jewel (too cute!). My question is, when I'm watching the game at my boyfriend's house, why do his friends get annoyed when I put in my two cents?

Sincerely,

Tammy Touchdown

--

I hate women who talk about football. I hate when they swagger around a Super Bowl party, dropping running backs' names like they've got them on their iPhone speed dial. Saying things like: "If the Giants hadn't let Manningham go in third round draft picks, the team would have made it to the Big Dance." 

Ugh, wtf is she even TALKING about?!  

Guys, there are only two reasons a woman will talk to you about football: 

1. She is trying to impress you and make you her boyfriend.

“Belinda? No way, she is so awesome! She’s one of the guys.”

Gross. No self-respecting straight female wants to be ‘one of the guys’. This conniving bitch owns a football jersey for every team in the NFL, because she has steadfastly rooted for ‘her man’s team’ since she laid eyes on him across a sticky bar top last Sunday.

2. She is a lesbian.**

This girl has been affectionately referred to as a “tomboy” by her relatives since age 3. She vehemently cheers on her home team, and will gnaw your face off like a honey badger if you dare to contradict her loyalty. This female grew up as the youngest in a house full of brothers, is probably from somewhere cold in the Midwest (or Massachusetts), and has no close girl friends.*

* Single dudes, this is a major red flag. If you ever hear your lady friend mention in a nonchalant way that she “really doesn’t have any close girl friends,” run—QUICKLY—in the other direction.

+Because she probably murdered them in a Wiccan fertility ceremony.

           ++And because she is bat-shit crazy. And a bitch.

** No, I do not have it out for lesbians, nor do I honestly think their sexual orientation predicates more inherent sports knowledge than that of straight women.

Here's a heads up, sisters. Football is a sport females do not play, nor have they ever been allowed to play (don't even get me started on this travesty). Yes, we women are fully capable of spending hours watching ESPN highlights and joining a fantasy football league. But what female with a fully functioning brain would waste her time like that? Not a one, and here is why:

'Female Cerebrum, Homosapien', Very Scientific Journal, Vol.I

As you can see, there is not one iota of leftover space in that mess of grey matter for random sports facts.

However, if I were a brain surgeon (which obviously was my Option B in the ‘What I want to do when I grow up?’ survey), I would spend an inappropriate amount of time trying to prove that men have a special part of their brain reserved solely for trivial sports information. Proof of my theory:

'Male Cerebrum, Homosapien', Very Scientific Journal, Vol. II

VERDICT: Only this bitch should be allowed to talk about football and expect anyone to listen.