The Guilty Party: Girls Who Talk About Football

Dear Judgy,

I love football season! I own a jersey from my favorite team (in PINK, of course!), oh and I cut the bottom off to show off my flat midriff and belly jewel (too cute!). My question is, when I'm watching the game at my boyfriend's house, why do his friends get annoyed when I put in my two cents?

Sincerely,

Tammy Touchdown

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I hate women who talk about football. I hate when they swagger around a Super Bowl party, dropping running backs' names like they've got them on their iPhone speed dial. Saying things like: "If the Giants hadn't let Manningham go in third round draft picks, the team would have made it to the Big Dance." 

Ugh, wtf is she even TALKING about?!  

Guys, there are only two reasons a woman will talk to you about football: 

1. She is trying to impress you and make you her boyfriend.

“Belinda? No way, she is so awesome! She’s one of the guys.”

Gross. No self-respecting straight female wants to be ‘one of the guys’. This conniving bitch owns a football jersey for every team in the NFL, because she has steadfastly rooted for ‘her man’s team’ since she laid eyes on him across a sticky bar top last Sunday.

2. She is a lesbian.**

This girl has been affectionately referred to as a “tomboy” by her relatives since age 3. She vehemently cheers on her home team, and will gnaw your face off like a honey badger if you dare to contradict her loyalty. This female grew up as the youngest in a house full of brothers, is probably from somewhere cold in the Midwest (or Massachusetts), and has no close girl friends.*

* Single dudes, this is a major red flag. If you ever hear your lady friend mention in a nonchalant way that she “really doesn’t have any close girl friends,” run—QUICKLY—in the other direction.

+Because she probably murdered them in a Wiccan fertility ceremony.

           ++And because she is bat-shit crazy. And a bitch.

** No, I do not have it out for lesbians, nor do I honestly think their sexual orientation predicates more inherent sports knowledge than that of straight women.

Here's a heads up, sisters. Football is a sport females do not play, nor have they ever been allowed to play (don't even get me started on this travesty). Yes, we women are fully capable of spending hours watching ESPN highlights and joining a fantasy football league. But what female with a fully functioning brain would waste her time like that? Not a one, and here is why:

'Female Cerebrum, Homosapien', Very Scientific Journal, Vol.I

As you can see, there is not one iota of leftover space in that mess of grey matter for random sports facts.

However, if I were a brain surgeon (which obviously was my Option B in the ‘What I want to do when I grow up?’ survey), I would spend an inappropriate amount of time trying to prove that men have a special part of their brain reserved solely for trivial sports information. Proof of my theory:

'Male Cerebrum, Homosapien', Very Scientific Journal, Vol. II

VERDICT: Only this bitch should be allowed to talk about football and expect anyone to listen.